We were never the best combination of friends from the beginning. You are friendly, loud, outgoing, extroverted. You are a people-person and people love you wherever you go. You are opinionated, and never afraid to voice out. You are confident and not afraid to make a fool of yourself. You never had a lack of friends.

Me? I'm the shadow of you. I'm shy and quiet around people I'm not close to. As an introvert, I rather keep to myself. I'm insecure about practically everything. I'm uptight, and I have a problem making friends. It's funny how we managed to get along so well, isn't it?

We had everything going and our friendship felt so right, no matter how different we were. I even believed that opposites truly attract. Yet, one thing happened after another and we are no longer as close as we used to be. I'm not sure if you felt it, but I certainly did.


I tried reconnecting with you, tried to ask you more about your new life, tried to understand it as much as possible. While I am thankful that you try to keep me updated as much as possible, it saddens me to know that I don't fit in your life anymore.

I never thought much about it, and always brushed it aside by telling myself you're just busy. But now I see. Today, as I struggle to find a topic to talk to you on Whatsapp, I wonder to myself what changed. Maybe it's because I got too focused on the little things in life happening in my life that I neglected you for a couple of months. Maybe it's because you have found new people in your life that you click better with. Maybe it's the differences between the both of us finally pulling us apart.


It's really depressing to know that someone whom I used to not be able to live a day without talking to can just become someone so distant. That our endless conversations would eventually lead to these one word replies. I just can't get over the fact that you simply got over our friendship. That if you could, anyone else could too. I feel so empty, so vacant. There's a void in my heart from the space you used to occupy.


How did we end up like this? We used to spam each other with messages to the point of our phones lagging but today, as I try time and again to start a topic, your answers are short but not sweet. I get one word replies so often and you blow me off so much when before, we could talk and joke about everything under the sun.

As I maneuver my mouse to the 'Publish' button, I let one last tear slid down my cheeks that are extremely wet by now. The pain of losing someone whom I place so much trust in is indescribable. I still keep our photos in my wallet, hoping one day we'll be the same.

Goodbye. Goodbye now.
Nothing can replace what we shared,
No one can ever take your place,
But I guess we all have to bid farewell someday.
I love you.

I wish that's the case for me. I hate how I am easily affected by words, especially if they are from the people I care about. In the past, I used to go MIA when I receive undesirable comments from just anyone because I wasn't strong enough to deal with them. I'd like to think that after many years of putting myself out on the social media, I no longer take shit from people I don't even know. But the truth is far from such.

I guess there are just some days when you feel like you're never good enough, when everything you do seems wrong. Some days you just feel like the world is judging your every action, and you just want to shut down.

A while, someone told me something that made me want to stay away from a couple of social media platforms for a long while. I'll be honest - tears welled up in my eyes. I don't know what happened; it's the first time since forever that I let a stranger's words get the better of me. Even till today, I still can't get over it.

I know it's silly, and words from strangers only know my internet persona and not personally shouldn't even hurt me. But I came to learn what they said about me through someone very close to me. Maybe I wouldn't have minded so much if it was just another comment left by an anonymous on my ask.fm - I've already gotten used to those trolls. However, those hurtful words came from the mouth of someone who holds a special spot in my heart.

What do they know about me? They probably know me as a social media addict but not me personally. They would know what I'm like if they knew me on a personal level. Heck, I put myself out on this platform so much that they would have understood if they tried to find out a bit more. But no, of course not. Of course people wouldn't go through the trouble of knowing me better before they start wagging their tongues. Talk is cheap anyway, so why bother?

My supportive friends questioned repeatedly, "Why did they have to be so mean?" I have no answer to that. No sense of humour? That's fine. Never experienced childhood to understand what was I talking about? So be it.

I can only think the worst of those who are trying to put down a 18-year-old teenager who's still experimenting with life. That's not the point though; I was broken mostly because I couldn't understand why wouldn't someone I truly care about defend me.

In that split second, you shattered all traces of confidence I have so painstakingly built up. Because of what they said, you discredited all I've ever done. You made me feel insecure once again.

Why did you take their side instead of mine? Why weren't you at least encouraging? Why did you make me feel so stupid, so dumb, so helpless? 

Why?

I love how your name sound when it leaves my lips, how my heart feels when I hear your name, even till today. I talk endlessly about you occasionally just to hear your name because it brings me such wonderful vibe. It's funny how much things can change over a year huh? 365 days ago, I wouldn't believe it if anyone informed me there would be a day I stop using your name.

It's crazy, just like how our love is. The insane number of times we laugh when we are together, the silly things we do to put a smile on each other's face, the strange way my heart still skips a beat when I think of you and everything we have, the way I yearn for your touch again the moment we say goodbye.

Your voice gives me the warmest, fuzziest feelings even if it's just over the phone. More often than not, I eavesdrop on your conversations not because there's no trust between us but because I'm in love with every part of you - even your voice. How am I still so infatuated remains a baffling mystery to me and it scares me sometimes. I have never felt this much, this sure, this secure before. Feeling something so strong, so perplexing is so new to me.

Family apart, never has anyone treated me the way you treat me. Never have I connected with anyone so easily. All those risks were worth it, they were so worth it. You make me see the things I couldn't see, you make me smile even when I'm annoyed at you, you make the stars shine even in the darkest nights. 

To you who made me the happiest girl,

Thank you.

I'm talking writing this on a public platform even though I only talked to a couple of close friends about this because writing has a really therapeutic effect on me. If you are likely to find this post offensive then please kindly maneuver your mouse to the 'x' button.

I'd like to say that after about a year, I have finally moved on from my last relationship. Unfortunately, the truth is far from such. No, I do not long for him to come back or have feelings for him anymore; it's just that I am still recovering from it.

I think it's rather safe to say that every broken girl is a result of a bad relationship. I've been damaged and I have lots of blemishes left on me emotionally. They have such big impact on me that even I notice the difference. I can't seem to make peace with the monsters inside of me. How do I shake off these behaviours that built up over a couple of years?

There are many questions that bombard my mind each day. Would I find the need to go through my boyfriend's phone if it wasn't for the fact that I once found undesirable texts in my ex's phone? Would I be trying to attract my boyfriend's attention every minute if I wasn't denied attention in my previous relationships? Would I be as clingy as I am to my boyfriend if my ex didn't lie to me about his whereabouts countless times?

Before I got together with my ex, I was confident, very bubbly and outgoing. He was, however, the opposite of me. So would I be this shy around strangers if it wasn't for his friends who constantly put me down whenever I try to break the ice and get to know them better? Would I be socially awkward if his personality did not rub off me?

Another thing is that the guys I was previously with, for some reasons, had a habit adding girls on Facebook then leaving inappropriate comments. One of my ex(es) praised every girl on his friend list, except me. I was young and ignorant back then, and I fell for the challenge. I started comparing myself to every girl out there because I never felt good enough. At least, not good enough for him to praise me. Eventually, I lost myself; I lose my sense of style and my enthusiastic self.

But now I realise it's silly because he was the problem, not my looks or body. A long while after the break up, though, I am still scarred. In my opinion, most of the leftover distrust or insecurities girls have are because of their previously failed relationships.

You see, if a girl's first boyfriend treated her absolutely like a princess, she would expect the same level of appreciation from the rest of her later partners. On the other hand, if she was abused emotionally, she's going to walk out of the relationship feeling like dirt. It's difficult to not carry the effects to her other relationships, and it's even harder to shake off the influence of someone once so important to her.

Negative behaviours create the most lasting impacts. After my break up, I couldn't sort my thoughts out and I found it hard to pick myself up, especially when I was already in a mess as a result of that relationship.

With the help of my friends and my current boyfriend, I slowly learned self-acceptance; I knew that I don't want to be a product of a toxic relationship. I concluded that I didn't need someone to define what I'm worth. I accept those awful experiences, but I refused to allow my personality to be confined by someone else's harmful actions.

I found who I was again. 

The girl you see today is only a shadow of who I once used to be. I dream of one day when I fully recover from that problematic relationship; one day when I bounce back to being my jubilant and hopeful self again. I am so glad that my boyfriend has been nothing but encouraging and he reminds me so much of who I used to be. I will work towards it and I know that day will come soon enough.

I know any topic about Justin Bieber is hard to garner support or interest but I don't blog for these reasons anyway so here's another Justin Bieber topic. It's probably the last one in a long time to come through.


Those who have been following me/my blog for quite some time would know that I have been a Belieber since 2010. That year I was depressed for the longest time but each time I feel like I can't go on, Justin's music was there for me. On a particularly bad day when I felt like just ending it all, Justin followed me on Twitter. Beliebers would know how hard it is for Justin to notice us and follow us on Twitter so that really made my day. 

Yet, today it's different. I'm not blogging about how Justin saved my life or defending him on my blog anymore. I never thought this day would come, but it did. I'm tired. Tired of his crap. Throughout my four years of being a Belieber, I defended him in spite of the mistakes he made and held my head high despite getting bullied just because I was a Belieber. I never once complained and I always felt proud of him.


It has been a great four years but my time is up. I will always love Justin and I leave not because I'm not a true Belieber but because I'm tired of putting up with his bullshit. He's changing, and it's not because he's growing up. He's changing because of Selena and it's funny how 99% of you will refuse to acknowledge it. It feels even worse to see Beliebers defend Selena/Jelena as if she didn't diss him for one full year before going back to him when she's unable to sell out her concert.

It's honestly depressing. It's sad how all the random twitter hours, the random tweeting of fans, any sort of connecting with us come to a halt the moment she appears. We defended him for one full year only to have him going back to the rat he calls his baby. He's losing his Beliebers over the same person who didn't give a fuck about him when he had depression, left him heartbroken, and blamed him for her own damn problems. Yeah, she's here when she has got a movie coming out, when he's getting back on his feet again, but where was she when he got arrested? Narnia?


How things have changed, huh? A couple of years ago, I would have jumped in to defend Justin immediately. I believed him when he said he cares. But now it has came to a point whereby even when he tweets things supposedly for his Beliebers, I only see it as ass-kissing. I mean, Justin, why else do you only show love for your Beliebers after you posted and deleted that video of you and Selena practically humping each other? Why don't you prove your love with your actions instead?


If he thinks he can rely on Beliebers again when Selena leaves him, then no, he's definitely wrong. He's losing his real Beliebers over one woman who couldn't give two shit about him. Will any Beliebers still be here to catch him when Selena leaves him yet again, after the promotion of her movie? Does he really think we will buy Journals 2.0? Maybe by then Justin's Beliebers wouldn't exist anymore. The fandom is getting smaller, Beliebers are giving up. I wish he could see that.

Remember when Justin broke numerous records? When he won countless awards? When every single one of his albums went #1? When we had a special connection with him? Well, he fucked that up. I don't want to watch some bitch morph the Justin I know into a stranger but I know he will let her do so, willingly. He's choosing his bitch over those who would step in and take a bullet for him any day.


The Justin I know wouldn't block his Beliebers over a trivial matter. For him to block a true Belieber who have been there for five damn years just goes to show that he would choose her over us any day of the week. Us Beliebers have been here for him longer than Selena did. I just hope Justin remembers that we got him to where he is today and Selena wouldn't even want him if it wasn't for us for fuck's sake. If it wasn't for us, he would have never met her. I know I was there for him before she even came into the picture.

Yeah, save me the talks on how if I was a true Belieber, I will be happy for him and support whatever makes him happy. I have been here since 2010 and I know his happiness with Selena is temporary. When she leaves, she's only gonnna do more damage. I do want the best for Justin and if Selena is the best thing for him and by all means, I'll stan Jelena. But no, she isn't. I refuse to support something that will only result in undesirable consequences.


One thing I cannot understand is how Beliebers can act like they didn't know how hurt Justin was when Selena left just because she didn't need any promotion anymore. Don't tell me you guys never heard Journals? The fucking whole album was written for her. So was most part of Believe.

One day Justin tells us "it's all about the music", another day he tells the reports to never ask about Selena again, then he says he tries to not rub Jelena in our faces, and lastly, he posts a Instavideo of him and Selena humping each other. Ladies and gentleman, meet Justin Bieber - the hypocrite of the year.

Seriously, Justin? Once. Twice. Fair enough. Love is blind and I understand. But the second time you make a mistake, it's no longer a mistake - it's now a choice. I hope you do think that she's fucking worth it because you're losing those who actually care about your feelings, and not just the amount of money you make.

If Justin wants to fuck up his life even more, go ahead. If he wants to get hurt and humiliated by the world again, be my guest. Just don't come running back to the Beliebers when that happens. I still love him, but I'm exhausted and I'm leaving. For once, I finally see that Justin is not losing his fans, he's losing his Beliebers who are tired of his crap.

Finally, I'd like to say a big, hearty fuck you to Justin Bieber, his girlfriend Selena Gomez, his Jelenators, his disgusting lies and his repulsive actions.

P.S. Justin's a fool if he really thinks his Beliebers will purchase the song he collaborated with Selena.

Justin Feat. Selena?

Despite the fact that Universal Sudios Singapore (USS) opened almost four years ago, I haven't been there because something always crops up unexpectedly when I'm about to make a trip there. This trip was not different either; my boyfriend and I were supposed to head there yesterday but I went over to his house where we both overslept and we declared yesterday a cuddling day instead.

That night, the haze situation was horrible. I'm super sensitive to the haze, and together with the disappointment of the possibly of missing my USS trip yet again, I threw a tantrum wtf. But my boyfriend was all patient with me and kept his promise of bringing me to USS today!!! I'm worn out from my trip but I just washed my hair and am still waiting for my hair to dry so I guess I'll post now before I forget some things :B

I didn't take much photos though because I was too busy marveling at every single thing. I can't believe the amount of details they put in each attraction!!! I'm so highly impressed! We walked the park thrice and each time we have a new set of photos and I'm lazy so I'm not gonna bother arranging my photos according to the theme.

These are 10 things I secretly love actually, but I believe I speak for most females when I say that these little things make the biggest impacts at the end of the day. So here are the 10 things that I think girls secretly love and want from a guy.

1. Patting her head / ruffling her hair when you introduce her to someone.
Okay, this may not be applicable to every girl because some girls spend hourssssss curling and styling their hair but I do love it when people pat my head or ruffle my hair! To me, it's a sign of affection and it makes me feel loved.

2. Good morning texts.
Because they do not just mean good morning, they also mean "I think of you when I wake up." I'm not saying that guys always have to start the conversation - it's just that we would really appreciate it if you drop us a text when you wake up before us. Every girl loves morning texts. Period.

Hint: this includes good night texts too.

3. When you keep your promises.
No, promises are not meant to be broken; I really wonder who came up with this bullshit. Promises are meant to be kept, and if you can't promise her something, explain to her and she'll probably understand. Don't promise without the intention of delivering.

4. When you remember the little things.
I understand that unlike girls, guys are just not built to remember trivial things. You probably don't care about the little nuggets of information she shares with her girls. You don't need to know what kind of restaurant your guy friends went with their dates today but for us girls, we want every single bit of information.

I'm not saying that you should listen to our endless ramblings, much less remember every single detail. I'm just saying that it'll be nice if you randomly surprise us with something we casually mentioned. It not only convinces us that you've been listening, it also helps to give you gift ideas in the future.

5. Playing with her hair when you are cuddling with her.
While at that, don't forget to make her feel secured and hug her a little tighter. No questions asked please. Just trust me on this.

6. When you praise her.
Praise her looks and dressing because she's dolling up just for you. I'm not saying that every girl is shallow and should be judged based only on our outer appearance - it's just that I think this is particularly important in a long-term relationship because it gives her the comfort knowing that you still think she's beautiful.

Praise her for her intelligence, and it makes you look good as well. Why? Because it shows that you do appreciate all her other asserts, not just the parts of her body that fit in a bra or panties. It makes you look like a gentleman, and it makes her feel like you respect her.

7. When you make her laugh.
Really, do I need to explain this? It's universal. She might be attracted by your looks, charmed by your manners, but if you want to keep her, have a good sense of humour. Even Standford researchers agree.

8. Never forget to tell her you love her.
Believe it or not, every girl is insecure, and every girl likes to be reaffirmed this, especially if you have been together for a long time. We think and analyze things a little too much sometimes and some form of reassurance would help a lot.

Hint: it'll be great to let her know you love her every night because her thoughts in the middle of the night are the most depressing so it'll be nice for her to be reminded that there's someone there to love her at the end of the day.

9. Handwritten letters.
Go old-school and write her a handwritten letter. It means more to her than you'll ever know - there's nothing like receiving a handwritten letter from someone you love. It's just something about being able to smell and touch the paper, and taking it out to reread when you guys quarreled. Again, don't promise what you can't do, especially when writing a letter because believe me, she will remember it and use it against you.

If you need some help on how to start your letter, here are some hints: tell her how much miss her, let her know you appreciate the things she does, remind her that you love her.

10. Your jacket.
So that she can smell you when she misses you. I know this sounds psychotic but I'm telling you every girl on earth wants this. She wants to wear your jacket, she doesn't care if she looks silly because it's too big, she's gonna be proud wearing your jacket, and she's gonna love burying her nose in your jacket every night before she sleeps. Long story short, give her your jacket and get a spare one.

There are probably many feminists out there disagreeing with my post but I'm definitely aware that not every girl is insecure and needs a guy to give her the assurance. I know many girls are independent but I'm just suggesting that even the strongest person needs a little care and concern sometimes. That being said, I'll appreciate any opinion thrown at me on my ask.fm.