Can't believe that I'm the fool again
And I who thought you were my friend
How was I to know, you never told me

have you ever sat in your chair trying to focus on serious work when all you're doing internally is fighting back your tears that threaten to well up in your eyes anytime? you can't stop working because the moment you let your brain rest, the demons come back to haunt you. you are blinded by your fears, your heart longs to stop beating so that you'll stop feeling the burn, the pain is swallowing you alive.

ignorance is indeed bliss. i'd do anything if you can bring me back to the days when i didn't know better, when i thought we had something going on, when i was nothing but a silly idiot that you were making use of. who can i blame now other than myself? i should have known from the start, should have seen the warning signs and listened to the voice screaming inside my head.

there are countless places i visit that remind me of you and every time i walk past them, i choke back tears, willing myself to stop thinking about what could have been. it's time i learn that the world is selfish and everyone only cares for himself. i can't possibly always be the one doing so much for a friend when the person never reciprocates. it takes two hands to clap and now i see things clearly; i saw us as "we" but you saw it as "me" and "you" - two completely different entities.

you never wanted things to work out. you were only interested in taking from me, till i had nothing to give. then you squeeze me dry and leave me hanging. this was what you wanted from the start, wasn't it?

i knew i was stepping into a land mine yet i willingly did that. all because of what? friendship? love? ha, aren't we throwing these words about a little too loosely now? yeah, i saw you as a friend but you saw me as someone you can continuously make use of and take things from. you dare say you loved me? overstatement of the year, more likely.

all these anger, because i cared? what we shared - our companionship, whatever you call it - wasn't worth the anguish i go through daily. the torture i wake up to daily because i failed when i thought i could be there for you, the discomfort in my stomach whenever the thought of you creeps in. what for? you don't even care. why am i inflicting such pain on myself and most of all, why am i addicted to the pain?

silly girl.

go ahead, cry for the person who wouldn't think twice before stabbing you with a knife when you protected him with all your might. you'd think your tears might make him feel a little worse about himself but he's nothing but an egoistic beast, someone who doesn't feel anything.

unlike you.

cry, you silly emotional girl, cry.

-

it's been a difficult and trying week as i figure myself out and sort out my life. i try to bank on the fact that when you hit rock bottom, you can go nowhere but up. but i know i haven't hit rock bottom and it's only going to get WORSE these coming weeks. this month is a tough month but i try to remember the cliche saying of how tough times don't last, tough people do. yeah, i'm a fighter, i can do this.

please just let me get out of this alive because it's driving me damn near hysterical.